The end and the beginning

In May our district holds its synod in Escort, which is particularly important for me this year as it marked the final step I must take before getting ordained in September. I will have the opportunity of sharing my testimony, but will also have to field questions given by the bishop and the synod delegates. Apparently these are not to trap us but rather to ‘showcase our developed theology’. Either way, it is an anxious moment and I, along with the other ordinands, will be sweating bullets as we try to respond without making fools of ourselves.

While I’m quite nervous I’m also looking forward to it because, I will be appearing before the same synod that accepted my candidature for ministry in 2006. Some of the faces have changed but there will be those who remember me and hopefully see the growth that has happen over these years.

In 2006 I was twenty-eight years old and Claire and I had only been married a few months. Synod that year was in Uvongo and I nearly arrived late, not realising how far Uvongo was from Pietermaritzburg. I can still remember the certainty, almost arrogance, with which I slipped into Synod just as they were calling candidates forward. We all gave our testimonies and then were told to go wait outside (it didn’t seem to matter that it was raining).

While the superintendants gave their reports and synod made their decision, I stood outside with my fellow candidates and was surprised at their level of stress. Until then I hadn’t really felt any cause for concern, but my fears quickly grew.

I can remember the feeling of achievement that came over me when the Bishop announced I was accepted to train as a minister. I felt as though I had arrived, like I had accomplished my goal, but in reality there was still so much I had to go through and learn (if only I had know!). That moment presented itself as an end but it was really a beginning. The seven years that have passed since then have been a full mix of learning, joy, hardship, disappointment and achievement all beyond what I could ever have thought up or dreamed of myself. I can truly say I am not the same person I was then. Too much has happened, too much changed.

Life is full of so many instances that look like ends but are actually beginnings. Not just the apparently good things like graduations, passed exams or new careers; but also the seemingly bad things like illness, retrenchment and funerals. Easter has reminded me that God can use even the most devastating things like death and betrayal as a new beginning. 

Now as September and my ordination approach with agonising slowness, I move towards it with more reverence than I did my candidature. I am reminded that although this will be a landmark in my life it must not be an end but a beginning. The learning and growing cannot stop. God always has more to show and teach and there is always something about me that will need to grow or change in some way.

As I look back on all that has happened in this time I am filled with a mixture of excitement and fear about the next seven years. What will be the new achievements, joys and successes? What will be the new disappointments, hardships and sadness’s.

A comfort is that although there are the things I plan on making happen in my future, and although there are the things that life will just make happen in my future, God remains in control, God has a plan, and God will always be working a new beginning even when it looks like the end.

“The end is the beginning is the end”

-Smashing Pumpkins-